Summary Internal Alchemy Course 2015
”Every step you take, you’re a new you!” (Li Shifu)
Today Shifu told us that all students who have taken part in the internal alchemy course should write a summary. In this summary we should write anything that is coming into our minds – feelings, perceptions, thoughts, theories, sensations, whatever. According to Li Shifu’s quote above, I won’t talk too much about the content of the class (if you want to study these things, come to Bai Ma Shan yourself!), I will tell some of my experiences which all made me recognize the truth of this quote.
Before I came to China this year I couldn’t wait to leave Germany. Last year I spent 5 months in Wudang, learning Kung Fu forms which already was a great experience & I recognized changes going on inside of me. Still just learning forms & knowing nothing about internal alchemy didn’t satisfy me completely. So I was really looking forward to get to Bai Ma Shan. I’ve been visiting this place already last year but only for two days to take a look. I knew some people who were staying & studying here & they all told me that they got lots of it. So my decision was made, I wanted to come, study & stay in order to learn, progress & cultivate.
The closer the time was getting to go to Bai Ma Shan, I started being a little bit afraid if I would be able to handle everything up there, the simple life, eating bitter, facing inner demons…at the same time I knew that this was a necessary step for me to make, that this was exactly what I needed right now. My life back home already changed a lot after my first visit to China in 2014. My purpose was to go further, to reach limits, to develop more & more. So inside I was torn (which is nothing new to me, cause it has been like this almost since ever), fear & anticipation at the same time in my mind & in my heart…
Then the day had come to go & in Shiyan we met other students, a minivan brought us to the place where we had to start hiking up the mountain…I knew before that my lungs wouldn’t be too happy about this trip which would take around 45 to 60 minutes, carrying a backpack which had almost half of my own weight. It was getting late till we started hiking, the train of the other students arrived with delay, so sunset was taking place while we were still on our way up. The welcome dinner was waiting for us & we were all happy though a bit exhausted when we finally made it. In the courtyard in the temple everything was prepared & ready. Since everybody was waiting for us to have dinner there was not much time left to shower or to refresh, just changing clothes quickly had to be enough. To be honest I wasn’t that hungry & I would have rather spent more time in the bathroom washing myself in order to feel clean & fresh again. This was the biggest need I felt at this moment, but it couldn’t be satisfied…& I didn’t care too much about it, which afterwards made me think that this might be a first sign that I was able & about to overcome immediately satisfying my needs whenever they arise, which definitely has been kind of a problem for me in the past– Li Shifu would probably say ”maybe yes, maybe no”, time will tell.
The new students should sit at Li Shifu’s table & we all appreciated to sit with this great man who would be going to teach us the next 14 days. He is a charismatic person, one can feel a certain kind of magic, energy, aura when he is around & also his eyes speak for themselves.
Just when we arrived in the temple a thought came into my mind ”ya, I made it!”, but already one day later I was pondering about this feeling of pride…Is it something good? When are you allowed to feel like that? Should one ever be proud of oneself? Of what should you be proud of? Now after having spent here 12 days I’m still not totally clear about the answers to this questions…I’ve been talking to other students about this – their first reaction was if I’m serious asking all that & why I shouldn’t be allowed to have such a feeling. Ya, I am serious about it, my mind is sometimes too busy with things like that. Why this question concerning the allowance came into my mind I can’t tell…Have to look for the roots of this thought while working on refining myself & in the end I will have to let go of them (& of everything else).
Of course, being proud of buying a new car for lots of money is not what I’m wondering about.
Another student said something that made kind of sense to me: you’re allowed to feel proud if you managed to get something hard done, if you have attained something which has pushed your limits further. Will also have to think about this again…
Li Shifu kept telling us ”you gotta find yourself, you gotta find your way!”. How often have I heard these sentences? How many different people told me exactly this? Would Li Shifu be the one who could help with it, be a guide, a light? Maybe yes, maybe no, we will see…Probably I gotta be my own guide, my own light, get one with myself, make peace with myself, love my inner child & become a caring loving adult. If Li Shifu could be helpful dealing with all these matters, I would thankfully listen to his advice & put them into practice.
The new students were not only sitting with Li Shifu, but for the welcome dinner also baijiu is served, sharing drinks & food in order to make the newcomers part of the family, it’s kind of an ”initiation ritual”. Baijiu is a very strong alcoholic beverage, made out of grain, here it is brewed by the daoist nun who is also living in the temple. I was sitting next to Li Shifu & very fast he recognized & told me to eat more & drink less. Surprise, suprise & at the same time part of the process of taking better care of myself, not behaving in a self-destructive way to my body, my mind, my soul. Why don’t I eat more? Why do I drink too much? The time to get to know myself better has definitely begun!
The temple itself has got a wonderful atmosphere, but still I had to go to the very mountain top the night we arrived. From up there one got such a great view on the sky & already from the courtyard many, many stars were visible. Another student & I went up, going through the forest, barely able to see, having a light with us. When we arrived at the mountain top we were rewarded with a breathtaking view, a peaceful atmosphere & a quietness only nature, Mother Earth & Father Sky could provide. We stayed there for a while, had good, deep conversations & were looking at all this miracles around us. The icing on the cake were some shooting stars & the moon shimmering. When such moments occur, one feels pretty small compared to the great universe & your worries seem to disappear, even if it’s jut for a while.
What is good? What is bad? Isn’t there always an opposite needed to define something? Is it then possible that the world, humanity reaches a stage where everything is good, peaceful, loving? Is it a thing to wish for? Or would that be not according to the Dao? Can/should anything be declared as bad, evil, when the Great Dao contains all? isn’t everything then ”the path”? Since the first night when we’ve talking about this issues on the mountain top I gained a bit more insight & now I can tell that the paths of people are different just as the people are. It depends on what you are looking for, what your aim is, where you wanna go & once you’re clear about this you can walk the way according to your goals. It’s your choice. Li Shifu reminds us very often that we only have this one life.
For us, the students of the internal alchemy course, one goal is to cultivate & therefore certain methods are needed & have to be used. As Li Shifu keeps telling us, there are too many methods & in the West lots of confusion is going on cause many teachers don’t know the way their selves but teach other people. This is just a side way on the path of cultivation which when taking serious & practiced following the right methods in the end would have the final result of becoming an immortal or in other words an angel (this term might be easier to grasp for people from the west). Showing love & compassion, being pure & tranquil, peaceful & settled, that’s what one gotta look for in order ”to enter” the void & to unify with the Dao.
In the meanwhile at the mountain top the battery of the light we had with us ”died” & first I thought about spending the night up there instead of taking this small path through the forest to go down without any light to show the way which caused a little bit of fear inside me. But I also was thirsty, had to go to the restroom, etc…& so the first night at Bai Ma Shan I had this feeling of trust which I lost for a very, very long time. A little bit drunk & awestruck by the whole situation, I totally trusted the other student who was with me, who surprisingly found ”his way” down not having any problems. Without a light we started going down, slowly, step by step, he was holding my hand & it worked. The feet sensed almost automatically where to put the next step…& as long as my mind wasn’t busy & only trust was there, all the sorrows, doubts & fears were gone, non-existent. These were moments, when for real just the Now was there, each & every second embodied totally awareness…there was no past, no future, no separation, just this feeling of being connected with everything. As soon as a thought was arising, the steps were getting insecure. But still I was able to let the thought pass away & start feeling trust & connection again, a wonderful feeling, worth to be taken forward; not just for fun I got the words ”faith” & ”trust” engraved in my sword…
Faith/believe & trust – great terms, they now seem to me essential for life itself, faith/believe in life, trusting life, faith/believe in myself & maybe the greatest effort to put in: faith/believe in other people, trusting other people – what stands against that? Fear! Fear of getting hurt, fear of being abused, fear of having faith/believe, fear of giving faith/believe & trust, fear of being disappointed afterwards – disappointment another great term which when looking closer is an event that should be celebrated instead of shedding tears over it…it’s the end of an illusion, one recognizes who things really are & the illusions disappear, slowly as usual, everything takes its time. This time now started, the first steps are done, now this way has to be continued.
A good friend just wrote a while ago to me: if I just kept going my path & if I let go of the fear what might hurt me, then I would finally be able to find the beautiful person I’m hiding away inside…also this sentence & similar ones I’ve heard so many times from so many people…why do others see that in me, but not I? Why can’t I value & love myself? Time will tell, hopefully. & here I finally started to ”believe”, that I can achieve this, that I want it, that I’m willing & ready!
After having returned to the temple, we sat down in the common room with some of the other people who were still awake & not too drunk. Li Shifu told me to take a seat close to him. More or less out of nothing he gave me a Chinese name: Xiaojie Lin, Miss Forest. No idea why, but I like the name! Not only my cherry tree but also my tree spirit tattoo fit perfectly to that name, my most favorite color is green, I love trees especially willow trees, everything fits this name. Meanwhile midnight past by, but all students who were left were curious to listen to what Li Shifu had to say; he mentioned that all of us who are taking part of the internal alchemy course are ”special”, that we are ”crazy”, that we are not like common people cause we’ve chosen a way that not everybody would go, cause we are willing to eat bitter. All of this we would be facing here, not everybody could nor would do it & it’s also not about having fun & again he reminded us that we gotta eat bitter on the way we’ve chosen. Of course ”eating bitter” is part of the process but still sometimes I ask myself when this would stop, but at the same time I know inside myself that probably no ”elevation” is possible without working continously on that, without having inner fights going on & getting to know oneself better, overcoming problems, obstacles & especially the past in order to grow by doing that.
In the first class of the internal alchemy course everybody was excited how it would be going, what Li Shifu would teach & explain us. But before the ”real” class started everybody should introduce themselves & also talk about their purpose & their story. I told the basics of my curriculum vitae leaving most of the bullshit going on concerning the problems I got speaking about my past, family & ”roots” out. So I was able to finish the introduction without shedding tears. Tears…so hard to control & especially here many things that are said touch my heart deeply. Tears…a sign of showing weakness, something I don’t want anyone to know. Just not short ago I asked Shifu about this, when one is allowed to show weakness…His answer was that one can show weakness all the time, that this thought of having to be strong all the time is a pressure society is putting on us. He’s so right, also with telling that one gotta let go of theses thoughts & this pressure. Going hand in hand with this question I was also thinking about how I know if I put enough effort & how to know when I reached a limit, when I treat myself too hard. He told me that when you got this feeling of almost collapsing, the time has come to stop, to rest & to relax. I gotta figure out how well I can sense this, time will tell.
But Li Shifu keeps telling & reminding us that we gotta look inside, that we gotta illuminate ourselves. That reminded me that I’m not staying here for other people but for the health my own being which doesn’t mean that I’m not helping or supporting others, it’s a good thing to help & to support others (as Li Shifu says love & compassion are part of the foundation that has to be layed in order to practice internal alchemy, to refine yourself, to retrieve your heart-mind). But isn’t it like that: only when you are in a balanced state, when you yourself are calm, happy & peaceful all the other people will also be just cause you are & you spread this feeling? I think so. As my purposes of taking part in internal alchemy course I told to reconnect with myself, to start believing what other people are telling me (that I’m an interesting, strong, a good, loving, smart, lovely person), to develop, to grow. & so, ya, if tears are part of the process I’m going through here, it is like that. I guess this will be also part of the process of growing, developing & cultivating. Shedding tears can also be seen as a cleansing process, a process of letting go, so tears are not bad at all. So I say yes to tears, to looking inside & to face the troublesome thoughts going on in my mind. Very helpful for going through all this is the atmosphere here & all the students around. Most of them share similar experiences, feelings & thoughts & so one never feels alone & can always share what’s happening. I feel very thankful for this, especially since in ”normal life in society” it is sometimes very hard to find like-minded people which creates a feeling of lonelyness…so I guess all the circumstances at Bai Ma Shan couldn’t be better to help all of us even if we might not be able to see & to recognize that straight away.
During another class Li Shifu was talking to us about the history & the origins of internal alchemy, mentioning that he wants to make us ”special persons” & that we are already different from common people by having chosen to be part of this course. & again he reminded us of the importance of looking inside. Of course we gotta look inside, what could the outside give us & how if we are not able to give these things to our self from inside of our self? What stands against this? As usual it’s our thoughts & our mind, their inhabitants the monkey & the horse, who gotta be tamed & trained to behave the way we want them to act instead of going crazy whenever they feel like.
It feels so good to have Li Shifu around with all his knowledge & wisdom, knowing that he’s here if we got problems, that he’s really & honestly willing & able to help us with any problem rising up, guiding us, helping us to find our way. In the same class Li Shifu was also speaking about our Jing (essence), Qi & Shen (spirit) which we received from our parents as a preheaven gift from them. It’s a natural process that all of us loose & consume Jing, Qi & Shen during our lifetime. The highest peak of Jing, Qi & Shen is reached at the age of round about 16 years, than the declining process starts. If I understood it right, you receive more or better Jing, Qi & Shen if your parents were young when they gave birth to you. Speaking about thi sparent issue my most favourite topic was talked about…According to this Li Shifu mentioned that if you really & completely wanna go the path of internal alchemy you gotta give birth to a child. That was what also his Shifu was telling him. Not giving birth to a child is against the way of the Dao. As an example he talked about a seed, which is growing & which is bearing fruits when the right time has come. One student then asked about infertility, there were possibilities to handle that. So I had to ask the question what if one doesn’t wanna have kids cause more or less my whole lifetime I never wanted to have children. It’s not that I don’t like children, but that I always was afraid not being able to be a good mother because I never had one, because I’ve been busy worrying, because I haven’t been valueing myself, because I saw myself as a mistake, as a fault, that I shouldn’t be here, because unconsciusnessly I was more interested in destroying myself rather than continuing the line. Li Shifus answer to my question was that we are all unique, asking why we should wanna stop that, telling again that it is natural to reproduce. So no wonder that tears once again filled my eyes & this time I was not able to controll them. His explanations gotta sink, have to meditated over, have to be ”digested”…& also once again I was thankful to have all these caring people around, some of them are a big support & I appreciated their compassion. Another day in the freetime Li Shifu called the students to talk to them one by one alone. & then I told him my ”family story”, my problem with the terms ”home”, ”roots”, etc, shedding tears again. He told me that I don’t have to worry about this topic anymore because now this place here is my home, that I can start planting my own roots at Bai Ma Shan…this caused a wonderful feeling & since I arrived here this place starts feeling more & more like ”home” which made me think about coming back here next year for a longer time in order to continue learning, studying, growing & cultivating. He also told me that I gotta let the past go, I knew that already, but was just not really able to do it…maybe cause till now I didn’t know the right methods. Lucky me, lucky all of us who made it here & who can get so much out of spending time here! The past is gone, it happened, it cannot be changed…gotta work on that with all the methods Li Shifu is teaching us which we can use during sitting meditation & also during everyday life to let go of things, retrieving the heart, the mind, locking up the monkey & the horse, refining ourself, laying the foundation for practicing internal alchemy seriously.
Another day while writing my journal in front of the Guan Jin temple, watching the trees, the clouds, butterflies, dragonflies a memory came back into my mind hitting me like a lightning. It has been ”lost” for a long time & caused tears again, but this time not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. I remembered that when I was a teenager I had a certain kind of spirituality (which I also lost when I started using & abusing drugs in order to get rid of these feelings) & I had this vision that one day I will go to Asia, stay in a temple & find myself there. Ya & where was I just right now? & what was I doing here? Congratulations, I made it & I’m on my way!
Another big issue of mine mentioned already earlier is fear. Beside of the ”formless fears” I’m really afraid of spiders. Since a few years this fear was getting better, but it is still there. I had to overcome this fear, not only because it is sometimes realy annoying & putting limits to me, but also in order to be able to enter maybe one day the void, to unify with the Dao again. On the way there many tests, many examinations have to be passed. & if we still have disturbing thoughts or fears, they will arise as a last obstacle taking shape of a demon. How bad would it be if you’ve been spending your whole lifetime to cultivate, to go the path of internal alchemy just to recognize at the very end that all the effort was spent in vane? Nothing could be worse…Already at the second day I met all this ”roommates” of mine, lots of grashoppers & also some spiders which was alright for me, but in the third night there was a big, big spider sitting on the wall next to my bed. I entered the room, holding a torch, shining the light on her & all her eyes on the head were shimmering/sparkling which made me freeze. Another student passed by, fortunately asking if I needed help. I told him about my problem & he tried to help me, also recognizing that this spider was a really big one…we both didn’t wanna kill her, one of the principles of Daoism is not to kill life (this was part of my decision a few years ago to become a vegetarian), so we thought about catching her which was just impossible to do. So the other student chased her out of my room, she was gone, but if she wanted to enter again nothing would hinder her…unable to do anything else, feeling tired, having the need of sleeping, I changed my clothes quickly & went to bed. Lying there like an embryo I closed my eyes & imagined that I’m in my own bed, my cats about to come & to join me there which made me finally fall asleep. I was aware of the separation of mind & body which I used to calm myself & I was also aware of that this is not a method to be used because in Daoism body & mind shouldn’t be separated & decided to ask Li Shifu about how to deal, how to handle with fears. This moment I recognized that fear was a big companion almost my whole life. I was afraid of spiders, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of not being accepted, not being loved, afraid of my true self, afraid of opening up to myself, etc…I, many people think of as a strong person recognized that I’m a little anxious mouse (as we call that in german) – that has & should stop!
So I asked how to handle fears & for examples I mentioned being afraid of snakes (another student has this fear), of spiders, of looking inside. Li Shifu said I should be more precise about the question. So I said that I’m afraid of looking inside & again I wasn’t able to controll the rising tears in my eyes. First Li Shifu answered with a question: how one coud be afraid to look inside, started talking about the beauty of our bodies, our organs & so on. So I precised the question once more that I’m not afraid of looking at my organs, but of hidden, uprising thoughts & feelings…his answer was ”let go everything! Put down the past! Every step you’re going, you’r a new you!” & again tears…because I knew that he’s totally right, but also knowing that these things are said easily though very hard to put into practice. Still I decided that I wanna face this, that would put all my effort to follow his instructions & advices, time will tell what happens. Concerning my fear of spiders, telling him about my way to deal with it, he said that this is not useful & also not helpful because I’m separating my mind from my body which is a no go on the way of the internal alchemy. So what to do? ”Love & compassion, the only way to overcome this fear!”. He had the idea to get me the biggest spider of the mountain which I should keep as a pet, take care of & love, lucky me that was just a joke! So I decided that I have to change my thoughts & to develope love & compassion also for these animals, it couldn’t get worse, so giving it a try is definetly worth!
One day it was announced that in the evening there would be a ceremony inside the main temple. After dinner this should take place & everybody was excited about it. The atmosphere was special, we entered the temple & the ceremony began. The older students were first to go & all of us watched how to do it according to the rules. We had to bow, pick up 3 incense sticks, light them, turn them off, place them in the bowl, bow again & stay on the pillow where Li Shifu was about to perform the ”ritual”, it was the same for everybody. When it was my turn he was standing in front of me, putting one hand on my head & touching my third eye with th other one. Then a sensation took place, I felt not only the touch, but kind of a connection, an energy flowing in the direction of the center of my brain – Li Shifu taught us just that day a certain method how to put our thoughts into the dantien which is ment to get rid of them. & according to this method you take the light of wisdom, let it enter through your third eye, bring it to the center of your brain & afterwards you put it into your dantien. With this energy flow to the center of the brain I also felt warmth rising up & a little feeling of inner peace was also there, this feeling I was looking for so long. When Li Shifu was touching other spots (the back of my head (called jade pillow in Daoism), at the back (ja ji) & at the tail (ming men)) there was also a feeling of warmth, but not as strong as on the third eye. Li Shifu burnt some prayer papers & after having bowed again I went to sitting meditation. Cause many sandfly & mosquito bites & also cause I slipped a little when we went down from the mountain top in the first night my ankle was hurting & I had to change position. For a very long time I was not angry with myself & just went on with lying meditation. I fell asleep, but also didn’t feel angry with me about that. That felt very good, because many times when I was not able to do things right I didn’t treat myself very good. So I recognized that not treating oneself too hard was actually quiet nice!
When sitting meditation was over I went to my room to bed, thinking about listening to music for a while, but decided not to. When I was just about to fall asleep there occured this feeling…strength, I feel strong, my body seems to expand, getting bigger, stronger…it feels good, warmth is radiating, faith/believe into myself. Then like a lightning the day passes by in retrospective, I also thought of my tattoos, my name, Xiaojie Lin, Miss Forest, which fits so well…& then the next feeling appears, connected to a word ”warrior”. When did I feel the last time like that? I can’t tell, maybe never before…& then a wave of thankfullness/gratefullness wipes over me, feeling thankful for having the opportunity of staying here, to grow, to learn, to study, to cultivate, thankful for this great teacher Li Shifu, for the wonderful people who are a great support…& again tears rise up, tears of thankfulness/greatfulness & again I feel a little bit of inner peace. Li Shifus explanations about all this family-, parents-, giving birth to a child issues rise also. Meanwhile I was able to ”digest” his words & so for probably the first time I also feel thankful for my ”producers”, ya, they gave me this life which I didn’t value till now that much, they gave me my preheaven Jing, Qi & Shen & are thereby the ones who provided me with my body which is in a good, healthy state. This emotion is new, strange & unusual, but at the same time nice to feel. At least I’m part of these people, if I want it or not, doesn’t matter what they did or not. & again a little feeling of inner peace arises. More or less overflod with strength, thankfulness/gratefullness, innere peace & ”oneness” I recognize & realize that I’m tired & sick of being afraid of so many things, it’s tiring, exhausting & an obstacle. No more fear! Somehow I would be able in a way to handle upcoming difficulties, problems & fears. This thought feels also like freedom. One who is afraid of many things, is not free, but is guided & limited by them. & probably also for the first time I feel & think ”yes, I can & I want to live”, thi syes to life itself unifies with the strenght & the thankfullness/gratefullness & the inner peace & I feel centered, rooted, wonderful!
Another day I went to the mountain top after dinner on my own. The sun was shining, it felt warming & nourishing, all these rays of light touching me. I lay down on one of the rocks & just enjoyed nature, myself & this awesome moment. It was very relaxing, lying there with my eyes closed. Once I opened them & a ”strange” cloud formation appeared: the cloud was shaped like an embryo, the body, head & navel cord facing to the left. I started laughing, thinking that there are no coincidences & having this reminder of Li Shifu in my head: ”You gotta give birth to a child to follow the natural way of the Dao & especially when you wanna go the complete path of internal alchemy”. It seemed as if also the sky with its clouds was sending me the message to continue the circle of life. As mentioned earlier, I never thought about having kids, but this thought slowly, slowly is changing since I made clear to myself that no one, neither society nor family members or friends or whoelse ever should or can tell you how to live your life & also not how to raise a child. Everything is your choice & you just should make the best out of everything! The fetus-cloud moved to the left & another cloud formation appeared. This one looked like a woman’s head from the side, facing towards the embryo, having the lips puckered for a kiss, ready to welcome someone. While the fetus was moving to the right, the woman’s head moved left. They were about to get close to each other, to unify. The navel cord of the fetus connected to the woman & out of the heads of the embryo & the woman a linking string appeared which while they were still getting closer changed its shape & looked like a heart…I felt overwhelmed, deeply connected to Mother Earth & to Father Sky & by that with the whole universe & everything. This wonderful emotion touched my heart heavily & caused tears. Tears of gratefulness which are part of letting go of old thoughts, of old feelings, all of them changing into new ones…
I could tell so much more about the last 2 weeks, but to keep this summary short (it’s already longer as I expected it to be) I will now just tell about one experience during sitting meditation: Li Shifu taught us a method which can be used to retrieve the heart, the mind, to refine yourself in order to lay the foundation for the upright path of internal alchemy which I practiced this evening. We start sitting meditation everyday at 9:30 pm & sit for 2 hours. So I was sitting, breathing, meditating & the light of wisdom appeared in front of my third while I had them crossed & just slighty opened. I brought it inside my body, entering through the third eye which caused a warm feeling. From there I took it to the center of brain & held it there for 9 breathes. Afterwards it went to my middle dantien, stayed & then sensations happened。 There was a wheel of fire, red, orange, golden & it turned left during inhaling & right during exhaling. This stayed for a while & then the fire transformed into a glden stream flowing to my lower dantien & transformed again into a golden egg. Out of a sudden there was a bang, the egg exploded & a little universe was inside of me, my body was covered by stars all over from the inside. That feeling can’t be described, it’s impossible to find the right words…there was just the present moment or better there was no time, no past, no future, just right now containing everything else. There was no separation, just oneness. There were no thoughts, just peace & stillness. There was me & at the same time not.
So to come to an end & since the summary started with a quote I will finish with another one which fits to the feeling just described:
All is One
One is Nothing
Nothing is All
Thanks to Li Shifu, thanks to the other students, thanks Mother Earth, thanks Father Sky, thanks Universe – Li Shifu often said ”you gotta find your way” & ya, half an hour ago I was at the mountain & watched the moon rising at the same time as the sun set down & after this 14 days I got the feeling that I’m on my way, that I’m on my way, that I found a direction…THX!